Confidence is not bravado, or swagger,
or an overt pretense of bravery. Confidence is not some bold or brash
air of self-belief directed at others.
Confidence is
quiet: It’s a natural expression of ability, expertise, and self-regard.
1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.
Cocky and conceited people tend to take a position and then
proclaim, bluster, and totally disregard differing opinions or points
of view. They know they’re
right — and they want (actually they
need) you to know it too.
Their behavior isn’t a sign of confidence, though; it’s the hallmark of an intellectual bully.
Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong. They feel finding out what is right is a lot more important than
being right. And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down graciously.
Truly confident people often admit they’re wrong or don’t have all the answers; intellectual bullies never do.
2. They listen 10 times more than they speak.
Bragging is a mask for insecurity. Truly confident people are quiet
and unassuming. They already know what they think; they want to know
what
you think.
So they ask open-ended questions that give other people the freedom
to be thoughtful and introspective: They ask what you do, how you do
it, what you like about it, what you learned from it… and what they
should do if they find themselves in a similar situation.
Truly confident people realize they know a lot, but they wish they
knew more… and they know the only way to learn more is to listen more.
3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others.
Perhaps it’s true they did the bulk of the work. Perhaps they really
did overcome the major obstacles. Perhaps it’s true they turned a
collection of disparate individuals into an incredibly high performance
team.
Truly confident people don’t care – at least they don’t show it.
(Inside they’re proud, as well they should be.) Truly confident people
don’t need the glory; they know what they’ve achieved.
They don’t need the validation of others, because true validation comes from within.
So they stand back and celebrate their accomplishments through
others. They stand back and let others shine – a confidence boost that
helps those people become truly confident, too.
4. They freely ask for help.
Many people feel asking for help is a sign of weakness; implicit in the request is a lack of knowledge, skill, or experience.
Confident people are secure enough to admit a weakness. So they
often ask others for help, not only because they are secure enough to
admit they need help but also because they know that when they seek
help they pay the person they ask a huge compliment.
Saying, “Can you help me?” shows tremendous respect for that individual’s expertise and judgment. Otherwise you wouldn't ask.
5. They think, “Why not me?”
Many people feel they have to wait: To be promoted, to be hired, to
be selected, to be chosen... like the old Hollywood cliché, to somehow
be discovered.
Truly confident people know that access is almost universal. They
can connect with almost anyone through social media. (Everyone you know
knows someone you should know.) They know they can attract their own
funding, create their own products, build their own relationships and
networks, choose their own path — they can choose to follow whatever
course they wish.
And very quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
6. They don't put down other people.
Generally speaking, the people who like to gossip, who like to speak
badly of others, do so because they hope by comparison to make
themselves look better.
The only comparison a truly confident person makes is to the person
she was yesterday — and to the person she hopes to someday become.
7. They aren’t afraid to look silly…
Running around in your underwear is
certainly taking it to extremes… but when you’re truly confident, you
don’t mind occasionally being in a situation where you aren't at your
best.
(And oddly enough, people tend to respect you more when you do — not less.)
8. … And they own their mistakes.
Insecurity tends to breed artificiality; confidence breeds sincerity and honesty.
That’s why truly confident people admit their mistakes. They dine
out on their screw-ups. They don’t mind serving as a cautionary tale.
They don’t mind being a source of laughter — for others and for
themselves.
When you’re truly confident, you don’t mind occasionally “looking
bad.” You realize that that when you’re genuine and unpretentious,
people don’t laugh
at you.
They laugh
with you.
9. They only seek approval from the people who really matter.
You say you have 10,000 Twitter followers? Swell. 20,000 Facebook
friends? Cool. A professional and social network of hundreds or even
thousands? That’s great.
But that also pales in comparison to earning the trust and respect of the few people in your life that truly matter.
When we earn their trust and respect, no matter where we go or what
we try, we do it with true confidence — because we know the people who
truly matter the most are truly behind us.
An old hermit lived in the Lun Mountains of Korea. Many people sought
his advice for he was a font of wisdom and was knowledgeable in the
magical arts. One day, a woman came and pleaded with him to help her
regain her husband's affection.
